Scrubbing Between Your Toes

Matthew is gone on a business trip for the first time in…… Honestly, I can’t remember. He wanted everything to be all right when he was gone, so he was hustling and bustling by taking out the garbage bags, scheduling my car to get an oil change, and restocking our shelves in case we needed anything. Please keep in mind that I still had to take our garbage out the curb, which I have never done, and honestly didn’t know how to move the bins! I saw all these videos of wind gushing, and suddenly the lid of the garbage bin would get caught by the wind and smack you in the forehead, and the person would be knocked on their Batuschka! Luckily that didn’t happen, but that is all I could think about and was laughing so hard while strategically putting my hand on top of the lid so I wouldn’t be caught on camera while being smacked in the face.

Well, all of that sounds fine and dandy, thanks Matthew, but I still had to buy groceries, stop at Target and yaddie yaddie yaddie. I am not complaining about that; that’s just plain ol’ parenting. But the thing that I wasn’t happy with is the fact that my kids act differently when I am gone versus when their father is gone! What gives? I had a full day of Zoom calls and went down to pick up some goulash and chocolate cake (yep, be jealous) from Mammio and came back up to Edina and I was wiped. I wasn’t feeling well. Then all hell breaks loose because Roozie Doozie wanted goldfish that Naveen left out of his backpack from snack. They were both screaming while I was trying to appease Rani by putting it in a smaller bowl and while appeasing Naveen by still leaving some in the current container and I guess this is not what either of them wanted! Rani wanted the bowl it came in and all of its contents, while Naveen didn’t want to share and my stomach and head were spinning and I just lost it, yelled and cried.

Matthew calls right in the middle of this meltdown and because of our new fancy iPhones (we literally just switched from Android), he said to FaceTime him so he could talk to the kiddos. Well, both of us laid down the law! Me crying and said how disappointed I was in them, and Matthew said the same thing and then proceeds to give examples of how they are so helpful when Mom is gone.

My eyes widen while hearing this.

“Kids, you are setting the table and helping me cook dinner and then clean up while I give Roozie Doozie a bath. Why aren’t you doing this when I’m gone and helping Mom out just like you help me out?”

Honestly, I cried again but with tears of hurt and pain.

“Kiddos, I am so disheartened to hear this. I want Dad to be able to leave and not worry about what is going on here as he knows and trusts that everything is moving forward. I want him to feel comfortable leaving so he can have a successful trip and not be stressed on what’s going on at home. We are a team!”

I go on to say that I am disappointed in them and let them know I am going to go up and take a long hot shower and switch my energy and my frame of mind and they best be doing the same.

While in the shower, I just kept on crying. Thinking, am I a good mother and how do other people do this while their spouses travel all the time… what is wrong with me and why can’t I handle my own kids??? All while saying to myself, “Wow Kenzie, you haven’t cried in the shower in a long time and I am so proud that you are feeling your emotions! Keep crying! Go Kenzie go!” (Yep, I am shaking and rolling my eyes, too people)

While I am having a conversation with myself, I look at the loofah I received as a gift. The instructions were to scrub your skin and get in between your toes specifically. I thought about this for a while. I am taking time out of my draining day to tell my kids how much I was disappointed and hurt by their actions. I told them that I am human and that we are a team and must work together. When one teammate falls, we stop and ask them how can we pick them back up? Well, Mama fell and Mama fell hard. I am scrubbing the not-so-comfortable spots in order for them to wash away.

(This sounds gross but hear me out) What if we just took some time out and instead of handling all the things that motherhood, life, what-have-you throws at us and just breathed and scrubbed between our toes and asked others for help, and let them know what we need, I wonder what would happen? Would our kids rise to the occasion? Would our partners? Would we?

I went downstairs all sparkly and clean and apologized to them and let them know that I love them no matter what. They are capable of doing hard things and so am I. I looked up at Viddy and Ashey and they surprised me by setting the table and putting Grandma’s goulash right smack dab in the middle. It was beautiful and glorious.

It got me thinking, what if we stop ignoring the little crevices, the little hurts, the little stings and really just feel them, acknowledge them, and release them? It is literally how I feel about scrubbing in between my tootsies. At the moment, it is uncomfortable and foreign, but after, it feels so much better. I asked and told them what I needed and let them know my feelings and they heard and did something about it! I was so proud. I left them space to tell me how they feel as I had the capacity to do it and hold it.

I wonder what would happen if we all gave our tootsies a little scrub?

Yours!

Not mine!

Mine are squeaky clean enough!