It Takes a Village!

Becoming a Mom was hard. Becoming a wife was hard. Hell, probably becoming a human was hard. But being a Mom is even harder than I thought for some reason. Asha, our 8-year-old is just running us through the mill. Granted, it is all age-appropriate, but still, who says that dealing with snark, sass, and assholey looks was part of the game? Her intention, who she is at her core, is beautiful, loving, and incredibly kind. But does she show us any of that? NOOOOO. Do we get all the snarky and snide/rude comments to cooking? Cleaning, even showering, for goodness sake…. Yes, yes we do!

Sitting on the couch with our nanny, I had a cup of warm coffee in my hand with the sun streaming in. It was beautiful. Rani, our almost 3-year-old, was watching Cocomelon, and she was entranced with the episode that described the word "concerned." I was super excited. I looked over at Miss Rachel as I was retelling last night’s evening events; the tears just started streaming down my face. It is beginning to be nice again in MN, so the kids were out playing and had to come in so we could make dinner. Asha was upset because she wanted to get some supplies for her slime-making kit, and Matthew and I had to discuss it, and it took a while because of our busy schedules. She saw that her sister was allowed to use her own money for some big jewelry-making supplies, and she wanted to have the same thing be awarded to her. Not a big deal, right? But she didn't see the background that went into all of this. She has to show us she can handle these items and not make a huge mess.

"Mom, but I will make all the slime outside with my girlfriend and you won't notice a thing. I promise,” as she was kicking around a hot pink soccer ball.

I look at her and say, "Ash, I understand this, my love, but you have shown that when you do make a mess, you don't clean it up, and Daddy and I are stuck cleaning it up. I love your creativity and want you to continue down this path but let me and your Dad think about how it will work out for all of us."

Well, she was pissed and did not like that answer. She came inside before us, and as I walked into our back entry, I saw that my shoes were strewn about. I yelled, "Asha and Viddy- come and pick up your shoes!"

Ashey comes over and yells, "You don't have to have that BIG reaction for something so small, Mom!"

My eyes widened as I didn't think I had that big reaction, but hers was big as hell! I decided to let that go and move on as we were having company over in about an hour.

During dinner, she was fine and got along well with her siblings. Even though they were getting up and down from their seats, which goes against our family rules, we let that slide as we had company.  Matthew did have to raise his voice a couple of times when they were over, but we have known this couple for years as she was our nanny before our current nanny. I look over at her during the madness, and she gives the most empathetic look of, “You got this!” It made me feel so validated.  

But when they were gone, she freaked out as we told her she had to shower and gave us the biggest attitude about it. While we were winding down for the night, I asked her what the big reaction in the back entry was for because when we have a reaction that doesn't match the cause, something else is going on. I, of course, had to give her a few examples- Like when I had to constantly remind you to pick up your shoes while I was cleaning up the bathroom and doing the laundry… you know, being a human and a caretaker, and then you leave your shoes out, or a hairbrush and I lose it?

She looks at me and nods….

My response is, "Yeah, like that. The response doesn't match what is actually going on, as something is happening underneath."

She tells me that Viddy and Naveen were supposed to put on a show, and Viddy said she still has stage fright from when she was 2.5. We then talked about that, and we are her parents, so we can help her through it.

I totally thought I got through to her and had a great conversation, but then Rani started crying. She rolled her eyes and said she was always crying for some reason or another.

Again, my eyes widened, and I ignored it.

Then there was bedtime, and that was a shenanigan show as well!

Where does it end?

I am telling all of this to Miss Rachel, who has been with us for two years now, and she is listening with so much empathy it is beautiful. I go on to tell her that Asha needs boundaries, and because she is so comfortable with us and we are giving and providing her a loving and stable home, she is ABLE to have these energies that come out freaking sideways! Wahoo for us, but damn! Between tears, I tell her that the key to all of this is Matthew, and I must stand our ground and hold our boundaries when she pushes on us. But, to do that, he and I need to have some reprieve.

We just got back from a family TRIP to Florida for a week, it was lovely, but it was a freaking TRIP! We need a chance to be us, to focus on us, and to have a conversation that does not involve cute little voices chirping every 5 seconds to get our attention and show us that they spotted the color green! We need to reestablish who we are as people and as a couple so we can set the stage of who we are as parents. To reignite the fun in our lives and in our relationships. To bring the intimacy back, to bring the flirting back. When did it get so hard to look across at the dinner table and wink at your partner? Now, we are fighting to get two words across the table, let alone a flirtatious wink!

I told her all of this, and she reassured me we were doing a great job of raising our highly emotional, intelligent kiddos and that working on our relationship is a constant, so we constantly show up in our children's lives.

I know we have a lot on the horizon. Still, I feel that if Matthew and I can stick together and work on our connection and communication, we can get through the busy times of parenthood and survive and hopefully thrive in it, too.

I put down my coffee cup and looked over at her while she checked her schedule of when she could come over and spend the night. She just smiled. We are so lucky to have people like that in our corner, someone who knows our children just like us and loves them equally. We had this in New Prague, and I am so thankful that we have the chance to have that again.

Because it takes a village!

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