Third Times a Charm?

I have a deep dark secret to share…. I FAILED!

Has anyone failed? Just plain out failed and then got swept up in all the mind games of why can't I do this? Why am I not smart enough to pass this exam? Or, why does this keep happening? What am I missing? 

This is happening to me right now. I failed this big exam, not once, but twice! And let me tell you, this exam is no easy feat whatsoever, but c'mon, I consider myself a very smart cookie but for some reason, this test is just a mind fu#%. I studied extremely hard for three weeks and even gave myself carpel tunnel because of it. The pain was so bad that I went to the physical therapist twice, the chiropractor four times, and have had a massage. So, to say that I am very committed to PASSING, not FAILING, would be an understatement.

When I received the results of that first test, I was devastated. I am used to getting things right away. Or if I don't get them right away, then I figure out a way to obtain them. That sounds bad, but it is not like that. If I have a project, or if I am pitching to someone and they do not want my program, or if it is not right for them, I just shake it off and move on because I know SOMEONE will want what I have to offer, because frankly, it is just too good! If it is not for you, then it is for someone else. I am thanking the Universe for the course correction. But with this one, with not passing, there was no fallback like I normally have. There was no team that I could call to bounce ideas off. It was just me! So, what did I do? I spiraled, and spiraled hard. I was in a ruminating circle, and not just of physical pain but anguish. I consider myself a master at handling emotional pain, like, "Yes, please, bring it on.” I ask myself, What can I learn from this? What do I need to achieve to break this cycle? What am I missing?  But I ask myself that in a positive way, while I am sobbing on the floor sitting in all uncomfortable emotions.

 But add on physical pain as well and I could not think straight! I lost weight, I didn't want to do my normal things, and I just fell into a pit of despair. I have felt pain before, but as luck would have it, I always got a baby afterward!

 The thought patterns that came into my head were atrocious. They brought up all these things in the past that I thought I was healed and moved on from. Thoughts like comparison started creeping in. Kenz, this is just a little test. Why can't you pass it? It's not like the MCAT that some of your family had to endure and countless others had to pass. What is wrong with you that you can't do this? You aren't saving lives, so why can't you pass this?

I was crushed, literally. I felt a huge low come over me that I hadn't had in a long time. And then add to the election results and no matter which way you go, for me, it was a huge hit, a sucker punch to the gut that is already super tender. I winced at every touch my husband had for me and my kiddos. I wasn't myself, why? All because of this test? Did it do that big of a number on me? And yes, yes it did. I went to PT, chiropractor, and massage therapy, all because I whipped myself into this huge frenzy. I had so much disappointment and guilt that manifested into physical pain. I had to face it. I had to admit that it is okay to fail, but how is it okay when other people in your family make it look so easy? (You see the comparison?)  You don't hear of other people's failures on social media, only their achievements.

 When I decided to take this test, I looked at it from a different angle "I already know what is coming, I can do this,” I said to myself.

 I went on a walk beforehand, I meditated and visualized seeing the "congratulations you passed!" flash across my screen.

 So, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and wiped off the tears and the mountains of Bengay and salonpos plastered all over my body and I retook the test.

 But what happened when I hit submit? I received the dreaded email of, we regret to inform you! But unlike last time, I didn't spiral! I cried, became mad, but I didn't stay in it! Unlike last time, I didn't squat in my own failure and sorrow, but instead asked the Universe what I was supposed to learn through this failure, and do you know what She said? LOVE!

 Great, what the hell am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to practice self-love after failure?

Thinking more about this, it is not just about love, but more about vulnerability. That, it is okay to fail. It is okay to fall and if you want, stay there on the ground for a little bit, cry, scream, curse. But don't you stay down there! It is about what we learn when we get back up those counts. I learned that failure is a part of life and that we should start normalizing it. No one is putting pressure on me, but me!

 I am the one who is doing it to myself, so with that line of thinking, can I take it off?

 Could I really love myself more through my failures just as much as my achievements?

If one of my children fails at something, do I sit and make fun of them and have them jump in a tailspin of worry, doubt and wonder why they are not good enough? HELL NO! I hug them, cuddle them and kiss them, telling them that is okay and we just get up and try again. We dust ourselves off and learn because that is where the growth happens. It happens in those most vulnerable moments. The tears streaming down our faces while we are asking why does this keep happening to me? That is where we can learn the lesson that we are meant to learn. And in this case… LOVE and vulnerability.

There, now you know my deepest darkest secret! I failed and failed hard. But that doesn't mean that I am going to stop. That doesn't mean that I am going to give up on this dream. It just means that I am going to take a step back and let it go a little bit and breathe. I am going to teach myself to love myself through these hard moments and forgive myself a little bit more. Because, let’s face it, couldn't we all use a little bit of extra love in our lives?

Now, for that test! Hopefully third times a charm, right?