It Started With a Sink…

Matt and I have been talking about getting a new sink for quite some time, or so I thought! He has specific parameters that only he has in his mind, and although he thinks he communicates them to me, I swear he doesn’t. Or, he DOES explain them to me but does so in a way I don’t understand.  When he goes on these rants or uses measurements to explain things instead of using his hands like a normal person, I tend to zone out. Then, when I have come out of this haze, I find him staring at me with a look in his eye, “Kenz, are you going to make a decision here?”

Me: “Oh my gosh, Matthew, were you talking to me that entire time?”

Him: “ Are you kidding?”

Me, feeling a little shameful: “No, I am not kidding. When you speak about things I don’t understand, you normally just need to get it off your chest and feel better. If you need me to actively listen actively, then tell me to do so, and I will ask you to put it in terms that I understand!”

Him: “Okay, so I think that if we get this sink that you chose, even though I have chosen it twice before in two out of our three previous houses, we will have to have a lip that we will have to contend with!

Me: “A lip?” “Again, I don’t understand!”

This is where he proceeds to explain that while you are cleaning the counters, we do not have a current “lip” between our sink and the countertops, inevitably allowing you to swipe the crumbs directly into the sink!

FOR THE LOVE!

I look at him blankly and ask if he is serious. Is this the only reason why you don’t want to get this specific sink that, again, YOU picked out before and loved so much that you bought the exact same one for our other house?

His response was, well, yes, and we would have to cut into the granite countertops. After telling me that, I completely understood…. Or so I thought, until 10 mins after, he explained that we would have to cut into the granite countertops either way if we got a new sink!

I immediately flew my arms up in frustration and just cried. I told him I felt defeated, that I could never do anything right and that he was too specific. That is why I never buy him birthday or Christmas presents, even though this year, I totally nailed it! But, I was all nervous about it because he is so persnickety! His response was, “I am not picky! And you’re not the easiest person to buy things for ya know!”

Yeah right! Just give me chocolate cake, a blanket, and a candle, and I’m all set! I then told him, as more tears were coming down, that I was just tired. I was tired of trying to anticipate his moves, our kids’ moves, and our dog and cats’ moves to prevent meltdowns. I was so busy trying to make sure no one had a meltdown that I completely forgot the fact that I needed to have one! I told him I needed to be loved, hugged, cuddled, and kissed. I needed nurturing just as much as our kids do.

So, as I lay here cuddled up in my purple blanket that my grandmother had with my remote, a box of Kleenexes, and coffee within arm’s reach, I am reminded ever so nicely that sometimes, we need to mother the mother. That’s right, I said it! We need to nurture the one who always GIVES the nurturing. But how do we do that, and what led up to this day of doing absolute nothingness and recharging the batteries, you ask, besides the sink?  Well, everything! It turns out the sink was only the beginning!

Let us start with how busy our 4th Quarter is as a family, shall we? It starts when the clock strikes midnight on September 30th to October 1st. Our Halloween decorations immediately go up, complete with spider webs and fake rats and cock roaches that I am still finding thrown about all over my house. It’s Halloween parties galore, and then onto our 2 out of 4 birthday parties.

In November, we had three weekends where we celebrated our kids with laughter, Crayola Experiences, and cake! Not to mention hotel stays with uncles and aunties, followed by Thanksgiving. We have people flying in from all over and trips to make down to New Prague, and then my dad ended up falling and texting my mother as he army crawls into the house to assist him in calling 911, signed MIKEY! Only a doctor would do this, by the way! Oh, and he dislocated his patella and fractured it, and before the ambulance came to get him, he readjusted it! (smacks forehead Please note this could be totally wrong as I am not a healthcare professional!) And, of course, he knew the two crew members as he trained them and was once their medical director.

Then comes the turn of the month…. A month that may carry some dread, pressure, stress, oh, what else? Chaos for parents and especially mothers! A month where you count the Christmas presents under the tree to make sure that each child gets their fair share and there’s no crying, whining, or screaming involved as they all hopefully get the equal amount. It is a time for Christmas parties, Holiday cheer, and pulling out your silver hair. Some of you reading this may say, “Yeah, but Kenzie, it sounds like you are putting all this extra pressure on yourself to make the holiday season… and your children’s birthdays much more elaborate than what you need to do!” To which I would say you are probably right! But tell me, can you stop this little Indian train from decorating and ensuring everything is accounted for, gifts are bought, specific alcohol is purchased as well as 5 different appetizers? Oh, and don’t forget that your parents graciously asked you to host their annual Christmas Eve family get-together at your house because your Dad is still laid up. A task that I was honored to take on, but I didn’t know how much work goes into it! ( I bow down to you, Mother!)

Christmas morning was beautiful, but of course, it held its drama as well. After we cleared the air, we drove down to our family in Faribault, MN, where everything was absolutely magical. Then the next day went bowling…. Are you exhausted yet? Then finally, we were able to spend a few days at home before we went to a wonderful New Year’s Eve party! But,… but did I miss the fact that our family has been sick for the past 6 weeks-ish? NO? Well, lets just throw that in there for shits and giggles, shall we? Again, where does mothering the mother fit in?

Afterward, we then traveled to Wisconsin to take part in only God knows what of everyone and their families partaking in an annual Kalahari Resort extravagance. The lines were long, there were people everywhere, and it was pure chaos. The kids did great, and I finally met up with my college roommate and her family, whom we hadn’t seen in three years. We stayed on Lake Delton, which we didn’t know but ended up working extremely well to be offsite for awhile. Then, I got sick, Viddy got sick and MN had this huge snowstorm we had to travel back in. Thankfully my hubby just loaded new tires on our Bourban… Bessie the Bourban? Besty the Bourban, name TBD. She did wonderfully, and same with my husband as I sat in the middle of Roozie Doozie and Vidya, again, all of whom are sick.

We drove the 3.5 home only to find our driveway was completely covered in 8 inches of snow! COME ON, PEOPLE… SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE! I woke up this morning, still sick and just cried and cried and cried as my husband came home because his car gave out! I looked at him and said, “I need to be mothered. I am crying because I need to be loved and cuddled and held just like we do to our children.”

He heard, and now he is out getting me spaghetti-o’s with meatballs (don’t judge!) and hostess cupcakes! My comfort foods.

But I ask… why do we have to let it get this far? Why do we have to have a sink be the culprit? How can we sneak in moments of comfort and soothing into our crazy hectic lives? I am a life coach and a damn good one at that, and I ask my clients how they can fit time in…. I “coach” myself all the time, but I guess with my kids being sick, it just got away from me! I am only human, and man, it is humbling to be sick. How do other people do this? How do they get medicine for their kids, cook dinner, work out, and maintain a clean household, all while keeping their Super Woman/Man cape cleaned AND ironed????? 

You know what? They don’t! It all has to fall apart, brick by brick, to build it back up. Things have to fall apart, things have to become eroded so we can see the small cracks and fill them in with something stronger… like spaghetti-0’s and meatballs! HA. We have to be able to articulate our feelings, our tears, our anger, and our frustration in order to tend to our own needs.

So today, I am taking that day to cuddle up on the couch and write this ditty to all you Caretakers out there. It is okay to want to be mothered! Take the time to nurture yourself in whatever way that looks and feels to you. Wrap yourself in that blanket, and cry for no reason. Start to putty those little notches that our kids, spouses, and people have taken out of you. But make sure you do it FOR YOU! Because at the end of the day, your kids, your spouse, and your people are going to look to you on how to fill in their little holes… they are going to look to you for examples on how to take care of themselves the way you have taken care of them….. And for once, this generation can show them that taking time out for yourself is not selfish but full of self-love. We are teaching them to take time out and not run themselves ragged… and isn’t that the best kind of mothering? 

And it all started with a sink…. Or so I thought!

Now, pass the spaghetti-o’s, please!